Wandering With Spirit

RESTRICTED

My oldest daughter told me to have patience with myself. My friend told me the same thing. STOP JUDGING YOURSELF. Stop raking yourself over the coals of all the stuff you haven’t accomplished. Give yourself a break. Since Covid 19, and the stay at home order, I read or hear about all the stuff that others have accomplished. I HAVE ACCOMPLISHED NOTHING!!

I’m not proud of that. I wish our house was cleaner. I wish I had gotten rid of more stuff. I wish I had lost weight or started an exercise program. I HAVE ACCOMPLISHED NONE OF THAT. I’m perfectly content sitting and watching the world go by. DEPRESSION? GRIEF? Good questions — no answer.

PAINT? I have plenty of supplies but NO IDEAS. WRITE? I have trouble coming up with an idea for a weekly thought ramble. My life becomes more interesting when nothing is ready to publish. Why with an empty head, am I’m sitting at the keyboard trying to come up with something that somebody would want to read?

I have been reading a thought ramble by a fellow writer for more years than I can count. Recently she has skipped weeks. She mentioned that because of the events of our world — the pandemic and the civil unrest — she can’t write. I understand. I’m GLAD THAT I’M NOT ALONE.

Normally by the middle of August I have spent many weeks at the camper. Because of the 90 degree temperature that has lasted for weeks, I have spent the time in the city. To be honest, because of the pandemic, many of the events at the campground have been cancelled or limited. Water exercise is not happening this year. The one thing that I have been really happy about is that after 6 months I GOT MY HAIR CUT. So far I’ve only been at the camper 19 days.

The man who I depend on at the camper to do my winterizing and winter watch is concerned. He is worried that the pandemic will increase and access to the campground will be limited. Because of his concern, I have agreed to an early winterizing if necessary. I have spent time at the camper in the winter when we didn’t have running water and know how to handle it. I’ve asked him to leave the gas on and electric until late October.

In May when our state was under a stay home order, the campground requested us to stay home. Not bring the pandemic out to their area. I really hope that doesn’t happen again.

NEVER ALONE

Many years ago, I was walking at our campground, trying to come up with an idea to use on cards I planned to make for women attending a church program. I had brought out many books to use for guidance. But during my walk, the words “Lord, as long as you are with me, I’m never alone” popped into my head. Perfect wording, perfect idea. I used the words along with a drawing of stormy skies for the cards.

As far as I can remember, growing up — I never felt that someone unseen was watching over me. But my mother and my brother were. Caring for my father when his health declined from Alzheimer’s disease, I noticed that there were times I seemed to have extra unseen help. My father let the cat out of the bag when he sent me a sign that he was alright after he passed. After a few months, one plus one made two. I realized that my mother had “helped” me caring for my father. I also realized that she had probably been active through my entire life.

Next we sent one of our dogs home. I’ve always liked dogs but after Cuyler left, there were times when I seemed to be the pied piper of dogs. Dogs I had never met thought I was their long lost friend. They absolutely had to say hello. Receive a pat and didn’t really want to leave. I didn’t know what to make of it. I finally came to the conclusion it had to be Cuyler.

Over the years many of my relatives have crossed over to the other side. I can truefully say that I haven’t notice their help. Maybe I’m receiving enough “help” from my family that theirs isn’t needed. Then my husband crossed over. He has brought his own skills to the mix. I used to be able to tell when my father was “helping”. My mother was so good at her task that I was seldom aware of receiving help. Now that my husband has joined the group I’m at a loss to name my “helper.” So I’m referring to them as my team.

I MISS MY HUSBAND. My oldest daughter told me that he knows I’m strong and is letting me do things my way. Just to let me know I can do it. Tears of gratitude well up in my eyes when he pops up. I sent a message to my family — a message about my nephew attached itself to it. ?? I sent a photo of my grandchildren — from many years ago — the older were taller, the younger were smaller and a photo of my husband popped up to go to and my eyes watered.

I KNOW HE IS AROUND. I WISH I FELT HIS PRESENCE MORE OFTEN.

CHASING DRAGONS

CHASING DRAGONS

I was upset after I woke from the dream on Friday night. I was thankful that I had been given an idea for a thought ramble. I was upset by the image that remained of my husband as an old man — an invalid.

I have more than 30 albums of photos. I easily could have searched through them looking at pictures. My family put together a lovely one hour set of photos with music. The video captured my husband in all of his moods. I chose not to view that.

I found a bag containing photos of our trip west in the motor home touring the Grand canyon and other parks. I considered taking the photos to the camper, and looking through them. Putting them in an album would be a good idea. I don’t remember if I already started an album with the first half of the pictures. Talking the idea over with my son, he asked if that was something I wanted to do when I was all alone. He didn’t remember seeing an album on the trip. It made me wonder. I DID NOT go through those pictures.

Instead I spent a Saturday afternoon going through more than 31 envelopes of photos. Looking for the MAN. The photos covered more than 10 years. My grandchildren grew up! I found a photo of myself wearing my father’s hat, and tie. Sporting a mustache. Made me laugh. Also I wonder where that person went.

I was accompanied by Irish music. It made a lovely background. I can honestly say that I didn’t pay a lot of attention to the music. I found a few pictures of the Man — two that made me smile. All of them put aside to go into an album. I sorted the photos into groups — to share with my family.

Watching a painter on TV — his subject was Buffaloes grazing at Yellowstone. It reminded me of our trip West. I haven’t painted anything since the painting of the fisherman in the winter. Do I want to paint my own rendition of Yellowstone? Good question — no answer.

I HAVEN’T FINISHED. I know of another box that contains MANY ENVELOPES. The search will continue. STILL LOOKING FOR THE MAN!

RECOGNIZING CHOICES

Everyone has a job to do. Evidently one of mine is to write these thought rambles on a REGULAR BASIS — sharing how spirit is active in my life. If I don’t write often, my life becomes more interesting than I care for. I have trouble sleeping. Many things go wrong. It is much easier on me to write. Except when the cupboard is bare.

Thanks to this lovely virus and the 90 degree weather — 18 and counting. I don’t go much — or wander when I’m out. Therefore I have no ideas to base a ramble on. Thankfully my husband “HELPED”. Dream last night left me worried. Not sure where we were. We had been in line to get a shot for the virus. He was unsteady on his feet — very weak, an ELDERLY MAN — AN INVALID and I was giving myself hell for insisting we go out. I didn’t know how I would get him home. I woke up before I solved the problem.

This morning I opened Queen of Angels to RECOGNIZING CHOICES. I don’t know if I’m still beating myself up for not realizing his health had deteriorated. I opened the Bible to Isaiah 28 — “When the overwhelming scourge passes.”

Interesting questions — no answers. Did my husband know that he would have become an invalid — a burden on me? Did he chose to go home? Did he know this pandemic was coming?

I’m careful when I go to the stores. My children worry. I’m no longer young. I even wandered to China town this week. I ONLY VISITED THE HEALTH FOOD STORE. Happy to see that they were open, they were in good health and had the stuff I needed. I don’t know how many years I have shopped there. I don’t know what caused me to wander there. Memory has failed me. I was PROUD of myself. I didn’t wander to many of the stores I like to visit. Looked in the windows but quickly found my car and came home.

After I shared my dream with my daughter this morning, she remarked that Dad was lucky he went home. He WOULD NOT have been able to deal with Covid 19. I WOULD NOT HAVE HAD THE FREEDOM TO GO SHOPPING. I WOULD BE EXTREMELY CONCERNED THAT I WOULD BRING THE VIRUS HOME.

AGE IS SHOWING

I remember that when I was younger the warm — hot temperatures didn’t bother me. BUT THAT WAS THEN. We have had more than 12 days of over 90 temperatures so far this year with at least three more this week. When I overheated while vacuuming the other day it reminded me that SADLY I’VE GOTTEN OLDER. I had to make an EXECUTIVE DECISION. I WANTED TO GO TO THE CAMPER, thinking about the weather, I realized that I NEEDED TO STAY HOME.

I thought about all the things that I would do at the camper. I thought of the number of people who would go out there for the Fourth of July celebration and realized that it would be better for me to stay home. We have a couple of window units that keep our house in the low 80’s. We live close to Lake Michigan so we get some of its breeze. We have cable TV and I HAVE A DISHWASHER.

Normally that wouldn’t keep me home but the forecast is for 90 plus temps for the next week. The pool is open with reservations. Would I go? DOUBTFUL. I don’t necessarily stay home because of COVID 19 but at the same time, I REALLY DON’T WANT TO CATCH IT.

My daughter told me that she feels cooler in a dress. So I tried one on yesterday. It lasted maybe an hour when I retreated to a bra top and shorts. Getting the dress off was a challenge. Once again I was hampered by my inflexibility. Once again I decided that I needed to put more exercise in my life. In the coolness of the morning, I started. After 10 minutes the program I was exercising to FROZE. FOR A CHANGE I SURRENDERED. I had exercised at least 10 minutes and was totally ENJOYING IT. I FOUND MR. ROGERS NEIGHBORHOOD ON TV. It was nice to find an old friend.

Getting ready to write my experiences with my aging body, I found a thought ramble that I’ve written in previous years. Reading it, I was amazed to see that my inflexibility had led me to do this exercise program — 6 sessions in all at the time of the writing. Why had I stopped? Did I make any progress?

No answers. Interesting questions. Will I succeed this time? If I go out to the camper, will I take the program with me? Will it make a difference in my flexibility? Many questions — no easy answers. Will water exercise resume in the pool?

I have planned meals at home so that I’m using mostly the slow cooker, pressure fryer and air fryer. I’m not turning on the stove. I have the DISHWASHER! At the camper I have the grill but my husband always did the grilling.

Interesting questions. NO ANSWERS