Random Acts of "Kindness"

Posts tagged ‘depression’

AGE

In the past, my age didn’t bother me. I actually had to stop and think — “How old am I?” when asked my age. Depending on the day I felt anywhere from 10 to 100. Sadly that time has passed for the time being. I’m feeling my age and I DON’T LIKE IT! I don’t know what specifically has caused that change in my attitude. Depression — possibly. Too much weight? The tornado? The damage to my shoulder — unable to exercise like I used to? It could be one of the above or all might be adding to the mix.

I used to be able to lift a box of water off of the display and put it in my grocery cart. They have increased the size of their package from 36 to 40 16 oz bottles. I don’t remember if I could lift the 36 but I know I can’t lift the 40. I wait for a stronger male to assist me if my husband isn’t with me. Recently a younger female asked if I wanted a case and easily picked it up and put it in my cart. I remembered when I could do that. Of course that was before I injured my shoulder. I’m grateful that my shoulder seems to be healing — I have more range of motion without pain but I still don’t have the strength back.

Reaching for stuff is becoming harder. I’m shrinking — an inch or two is gone. Stuff on the top shelf or at the back is next to impossible to reach. I look for a tall person. At home I use my grandchildren’s step or a ladder. I’m rearranging my shelves. The day will come in the not to far future when my grandchildren will be taller than me. Stretching exercises are NOT helping me to keep my height.

There are some things that I can do. I can lose weight. (Right now it loves me and doesn’t want to leave.) I can exercise more and strengthen my arms. I can concentrate on the positive things in my life and not spend as much time on the negative. Some things are impossible — I CANNOT REGAIN MY YOUTH OR MY HEIGHT.

I constantly meet people who are in their 90’s with good quality of life. That is my goal — not necessarily reaching 90 — God’s plan, not mine.

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BATTERED

I’ve often thought of myself as a ship, sailing the open seas, at the mercy of the wind and the tides, directed by a Supreme Being. I have to confess that this ship feels battered. Since the beginning of summer, my life has been anything but smooth water. Thankfully nothing extremely serious, my family is well, we have shelter and food on the table BUT many, many strong waves have tried to drown me.

I thought I was coping well when the tornado struck. Thankfully we were at home, not in the path of destruction. I don’t try to remember stuff that surfaces that unsettles me. I have NOT taken photos of the damage caused by the storm, except on our own property. It is too sad to see the sunny roads that were once sheltered by trees. I don’t need to remember the effects of the strong winds. If I were to try to list all of the challenges and problems I would have to think, and write them down. I don’t need to remember them, you don’t need to read about them. I will admit that I was happy when June ended. I mistakenly thought that waters would be calmer, smooth sailing. I WAS WRONG. More rough seas ahead. More challenges, more obstacles — even our trip to Florida for our granddaughter’s wedding had huge waves.

Then thankfully came August — but NOT smooth seas. A favorite restaurant announced it was closing, as did the garage that works on our car. Health concerns for members of my husband’s family surfaced. Now I’m sure that “my friend’s in high places” have been busy — “helping.” I’m also sure that I didn’t write down the many times I received their help and said “thank you!”

I looked at the thought rambles that I’ve written and realized that nothing was scheduled to publish. I’ve been so busy trying to keep my head above water that I haven’t taken the time to write, to share. When I had so many ideas for thought rambles, I wondered if that meant my life would be busy. That I wouldn’t have time to write. I guess that is true. Day by day, week by week, month by month — time passes. I’ll leave the passing of time in the hands of the Supreme Being and keep trying to do the best I can!

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LOOKING BACK

LOOKING BACK

Time passes so quickly — minuets, hours, days, months, years quickly pass. Sometimes we notice the passage of time, especially when a birthday occurs and we notice we have added another year to our age. My last birthday a friend mentioned that I would notice the passage of time, and she was right.

Driving to meet my friend the other day, I watched a person on cross country skies in a park, gliding through the snow. It brought back wonderful memories. What I didn’t want to remember was my age at the time — my mantra for that year was “life begins at forty.” I still have my skies, but I don’t know if I would have the courage to put them on. My body isn’t as flexible as it was then and my weight is up. I don’t look forward to putting on skies to play in the snow. To be honest, I don’t look forward to snow either.

Looking back I remember other activities that have fallen by the wayside. I used to paint in oils. I haven’t had them out in years but they are waiting for me. I have tried watercolor — not as successfully and acrylics. I haven’t invested the time needed to become proficient — of course unless the paintings were good enough to sell, I don’t have wall space to display them.

Looking back — I was also involved in storytelling. I was a member of a guild and regularly attended storytelling events. Although I still tell stories to people who cross my path that need them, I don’t see myself becoming a professional storyteller. Because of that realization, I have parted with many of the books of fables and stories that I had hoped to use. The stories I tell are personal, they travel with me — I keep them in my pocket — always available.

Looking back — I have two sewing machines that were often in motion. I haven’t had the desire to sew anything in a few years but I’m not ready to say I have stopped. I haven’t had either my knitting needles or crochet hook out either. I still have yarn but haven’t seen anything that has inspired me.

If I’m honest, I have to admit that more has changed in my body than just age, and my flexibility and weight. My fingers don’t have the ability to work with small items, my eyes need stronger glasses and more light. When I start counting the negative changes that age and extra weight have caused in my life, I either see a person whose body is giving them more challenges than mine — cane, wheelchair or motorized scooter or a story of someone’s health challenges crosses my path. Often, that person is much younger than myself.

Time passes so quickly — it will soon be the anniversary of my father’s birthday and his passing. More than 20 years have gone by and thankfully he and others on the other side are still a part of my life.

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ARCHIEVE

There is a saying that curiosity killed the cat — but I’m not a cat. I wondered what my weight was when I last went to Hawaii. I wondered how long I was able to keep my weight off the last time I was successful. I wondered what my body thought my set weight is. I wondered how much weight I had lost. I wasn’t happy with the numbers.

The last time I went to Hawaii, my weight was were it is right now. That isn’t a bad thing, I fit in the plane seat then. But it isn’t were I want to be. My back was hurting when I spent too much time on my feet baking cookies this Christmas. Looking back at my calendars, I learned that my set weight is were it is right now. Again, that is not what I want. I wondered why I wasn’t able to keep my weight down after I had lost 10 pounds and learned that I had fallen into a deep depression.

So the question is what am I going to do with this knowledge. Some of the information explains why I’m not losing weight right now. I have to get out of the muck, sleep better and get some energy. The strength exercises are helping my sore arm. I’m not slathering it with as much cream — I’m not taking as much pain medicine. I might be getting some strength back in my arm but I have to admit that I’m not testing it.

I decided that I needed to amp up my exercise — then I pulled something in my right leg. It is not too much of a problem when I’m awake, but when I try to sleep it makes its presence known. My favorite positions are now uncomfortable. I’m trying not to make the problem worse which means that I have scaled back my exercise.

I’ll admit that I haven’t gone back to the diet that was so successful last year. I don’t want to give up some of the food that wasn’t allowed. I’m also making more meals that all my family will eat — not cooking separate meals just for me. The bad news is this idea isn’t helping me to lose weight. There will be four birthday celebrations over the next month. The celebrations are always hard for my weight management. I’m not giving up yet, but I haven’t come up with a good solution either.

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MUCK

MUCK

Gooey, slippery, smothering — muck. It is hard to get out of it — it grabs hold and doesn’t let go. Sometimes there is a reason for it. Rain causes the ground to become a muddy mess. That wasn’t the kind of muck I was stuck in. AND THERE WAS NO REASON FOR IT. I had been trying to lose weight — unsuccessfully. The weather, although moderate wasn’t to blame. No snow — temperatures above zero — I was able to get out of the house, safely take Robin for a walk. Thankfully no serious health problems or money problems. Okay, not enough money to go on a shopping spree but again, thankfully, no bill collectors calling on the phone.

Grey skies or if you prefer gray skies — the good news — kept the temperature up — I tried to convince myself to be happy for the blanket — warmer weather. I missed the sun, the blue skies. I exercised — I even added strength training. I tried meditating — no progress.

To make matters worse, my memory took a vacation. I’m usually good at writing checks, remembering to pay bills. The muck affected my ability to think. I won’t bore you with some of my mistakes, hopefully it isn’t long lasting. Our car needed a repair and I miswrote the check not once but two times. I went to the bank the same day — that was definitely a mistake. Thankfully the clerk was very helpful. I thought my forgetfulness was past until I totally screwed up when it came to filing our paperwork to save money on our taxes. Thankfully I discovered my mistake in time and was able to get the paperwork downtown before the file date.

Depression? Winter Blues? I don’t have a clue. I don’t have any energy — I have the time to make some progress on our house but no desire to do anything. I wandered to the store on Saturday — I met a member of our church. She shared the news that a parishioner had gone into the hospital for surgery and something went wrong, she had just attended his funeral. We should be glad we are still here. And I am — I just want to get out of the muck. The week before, at the store again, a woman ahead of me confided that the calorie count for exercise on the program I’m using to try to lose weight is high. And I thought that allowed me to eat a few more calories. WRONG!

Still trying, but some results would be nice.

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SLIPPERY SLOPE

It was just a tiny slip at first. A memory that took me back to places I didn’t want to visit anymore. I caught myself quickly, as soon as I realized where I was headed. But that was just the beginning, the prologue or the introduction, as it were. It set the slide in motion. I was brave at first, determined to stay out of the dark places in my mind. It didn’t help. And this time the slide was very slippery, one remembrance quickly moved to another. All of them hurt. Once at the bottom, I couldn’t climb out.

The weather didn’t help either — not as bad as last year but all of a sudden the temperature was minus zero, the wind chill frozen and it stayed there. Warnings of frost bite was on the television. Normally I would go for a walk or go shopping. Anything to distract my mind from the thoughts that were surfacing. When I’m sad, depressed or stressed — I snack, OFTEN. My resolution is to lose weight. Not only was my arm hurting but now my hip and back had joined the game. I hoped losing weight would help — snacking would not help. Should I mention that my weight refused to move down.

Should I mention that the sun also went into hiding — gray skies matched my grey mood. I don’t know how many days were without the light of the sun. My daughter phoned and told me she saw blue skies. I looked outside and saw blue skies too. I took a picture with my camera to remember what it looked like in case it vanished again. A few days later the weather man announced that there was a small envelope in which the sun was shining, clouds covered the rest of the area. We were lucky, we had the sun. I took Robin for a walk. Our neighborhood stayed in the envelope for the rest of the day. When I took Robin for a later walk, we walked in sunshine.

I’ve tried meditating — still getting no where. Learning different techniques for breathing. Count the in breath, count the out breathe. Reverse the counting. Count each inhale and exhale. The one thing positive that this does is distract my mind from its track. With a little bit of help, I can stay positive for an hour or more. It also helps when I’m unable to go to sleep.

I’ve rejoined a calorie tracking program on our computer. Not only does it track the calories of the food I’m eating, but it subtracts the calories of the exercise I’ve done, giving me more calories to eat. Of course, the program is only as good as the information I input, how honest I am. Since it subtracts my exercise it motivates me to exercise. When I first started with some of my tapes, I learned just how quickly my body has lost strength. I will admit my stubbornness is pushing me forward.

Finally the scale is moving downward — just a trifle. Nothing to get excited about, or buy new clothes but enough to make me smile. Enough to make me want to plan my breakfast when we went to Bakers Square. Sadly their computer listing didn’t give the calorie count for their offerings. The program I’m using, I call it Skinny Bitch because I just don’t remember the name. Anyway, I found the calorie counts for many of the breakfast offerings. I switched back and forth many times. I logged in my planned breakfast then decided to change my mind. I didn’t remember the calorie count of the item I wanted to eat instead. That is when I experienced a little bit of “help from my friends.” The computer LOCKED — I was unable to retrieve the original data even though I had seen it before. I made a big decision to stay with the lower calorie menu — telling myself I could have the other when the scale dropped a bit more. I knew that they were still “helping” when at the restaurant I put my hand in the pocket of my jacket and felt something soft. ?????? Pulling the item out I was surprised to see my glass case. ???? How did it get in there — I never put my glass case in my pocket. I had even asked customer service at the grocery store if I had lost it there.

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DOT TO DOT

I woke this morning thinking how the various synchronicities in my life direct me. When I enrolled for a class in creative writing, may years ago, our professor said that when synchronicities occur in your life, and you recognize them, more occur. If you have been reading my blog for a while, maybe you have noticed some.

To recap the past month: At coffee at the campground, someone told me about a camera — Christmas is coming — I now have the camera. Even though I don’t know how to use all the functions yet, I was able to capture a skirmish between my husband and my granddaughter with light wands — complete with sound. Since my husband usually doesn’t become involved in their battles, this film is priceless.

I had been looking for a new coat with functional pockets — Shopping on Wednesday I misplaced my change purse with my credit cards and money. Frantic search of my purse didn’t produce the missing item. Searching the pockets of my jacket did. Shopping later that day at Costco — I found a coat with functional pockets that fit. (It is very warm.) I had to return to Costco on Friday to get a perscription for my husband. The coats were already gone. I talked to an employee who I have known for many years. She confided that she almost took her own life on Tuesday with a knife laying on the counter. She heard God tell her to get out of the house. She said she wasn’t sad, depressed, or worried. She didn’t know what caused it, she thought it was Satan but she planned to talk to her chaplain. When I told her about a prayer I had for the Archangel Michael, she asked if I had another copy. I’m sure I don’t need to tell you that I DON’T HEAR GOD talking to me. I’m glad she did. Needless to say, I was back at Costco on Saturday with a copy of the prayer for her.

(The card was written by a pope in the 18th century. He had just finished saying a private Mass when he heard a conversation between God and Satan. Satan said he would destroy the church. The pope returned to his quarters and wrote the prayer.) We happened to be in the country for Mass on the day the prayer cards were given out. I asked if I could have a couple.

This morning I was trying to sign on to my I Pad. I wanted to meditate. BLOCKS WERE UP. I signed on to face book but it didn’t matter how many times I hit the space to access the meditation — nothing happened. I finally signed onto Face book itself. I saw a message form our older granddaughter mentioning a tornado that was in there area last night. After I got that message, I was able to access the meditation. I have to admit, most times I’m not able to meditate — I have a blank screen but I’m stubborn. I’m not giving up yet.

Most of the time I don’t connect the dots when I’m writing. I leave it to the reader to see them, of course, sometimes I don’t see them myself until later.

“HELP” in my life doesn’t occur with flashing lights, just an ordinary event occurs followed by another ordinary event. I only get hit on the head when I’m not paying attention. Hopefully this ramble will help you connect the dots in your life.

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GUIDED

It is always interesting when I look back at some of the events in my life. At the moment, they do not seem important. It is only when a few hours, days, or weeks have passed that I see the connection. I don’t know when the title of the movie GOD’S NOT DEAD first appeared in my life. It was a few weeks ago — on TV, with just a brief description of the plot. I didn’t pay too much attention but the title stuck in my mind.

Recently I learned I could rent it, but I don’t like to order movies via the TV. Yesterday the movie was in my face, at Target, then in my hand, at the cash register and out the door. And on our TV in the afternoon. I thought the movie was well done. I could relate to many of the scenes — their car wouldn’t start. I don’t have that particular problem but many times what I plan to do is not what God wants me to do and even though I’m a slow learner, I do get the message eventually.

It is the Fall season of the year — a time when I tend to get depressed. I don’t know if this year the feeling is worse — but I’m heavier and can’t seem to get with the program. Soon I will be older. That is not making me happy or unhappy but my weight and lack of energy is a growing problem. I’m on FACEBOOK but I don’t spend much time on the computer. Yesterday I responded to a message and found a few things that either gave me a smile or made me laugh. My great granddaughter, although far away, is a delight thanks to her mother’s sharing.

Today, I was trying to meditate — BUT — my computer WOULD NOT LET ME! I accessed FACEBOOK instead. A friend has been challenged to find something that makes her happy for 100 days and post it. I know I won’t take the time to post something on line every day but jotting down something in a notebook every day might be worthwhile.

I saw a video — mother duck at the top of a set of stairs — 12 ducklings on the steps below. Ducklings trying and TRYING to get up the stairs with their mother. THEY DID NOT GIVE UP. Both mother and brood paced back and forth. When the last ducking reached the top of the stairs — mother took off with her ducklings following behind her.

Today I was able to go to Mass at our church. I learned that a friend had passed on Wednesday, we should be in town for his memorial service. I learned that one of our priests was moving to a residential facility. I had noticed that he had dementia, I guess it is getting worse.

I just met a woman whose 96 year old mother lives with her. The mother still has her mind but is losing her sight.

I’M NOT GIVING UP — I’LL KEEP LOOKING FOR MY HAPPY — and I’ll try again to get my weight down and find my energy. Just like the ducklings, I’ll keep trying!

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DROWNING

Notice the big “I”! I thought I was dealing with the stress of my life. I thought I was exercising enough to lose weight. I thought I was doing enough to stay out of the “BIG D” — in my case depression. I was WRONG! Like a thief in the night, all of a sudden I’m underwater AGAIN. I don’t know what caused it. I know that I didn’t lose a pound, might have gained one or two — which of course doesn’t help. Even though I was walking in the country — up and down the hills for at least an hour each day. It also doesn’t help that I’m finding things at our camper and in our house that I don’t remember. Keep in mind that my father had Alzheimer’s disease. Now I don’t think that is my problem at the moment. I’m hoping that the revolving door of my life has lead to much of the forgetfulness. Automatic pilot — trying to do what needs to be done now — not worrying about the rest. I’ll admit that the years of pain from the ulcer on my leg probably didn’t help. I’ll admit that facing the big 70 this year is not helping. I’ll admit that I’m grousing BIG TIME.

And then I get a nudge. First I opened the daily paper to an article celebrating Ella Jenkins, turning 90, releasing her 40th CD — children’s music of the world. I’ll admit that I didn’t read anything else in the paper. Didn’t read her article at the moment either. Decided that I needed to exercise and turned on Jane Fonda’s Strength Training. Before I switched the TV to VCR, Rachael Ray announced her guest — Tony Bennet — still performing in his 80’s. I’ll admit I had to watch the show — he exercises 3 times a week, warms up his vocal cords before each performance, still loves to entertain. I’m sure if I had a job that I loved, I would still be working. As it was, I had a job from hell that would have been the end of my life if I would have stayed. Beginning of Lent, I quit, and gave up money.

Okay, OKAY, I get the message. I’m not that old. I still have work of some kind to do. And once again I will try.

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OUCH

A whisper …. a pebble …. A knock on the head …. When God wants your attention!

I’ll admit that I try to pay attention. I’ll admit that I don’t always succeed. I DON’T LIKE BEING HIT ON THE HEAD! It hurts!

Recently I have collided with the top of the kitchen counter, almost knocking myself out. I’ll admit that I saw stars. Thankfully I remained conscious but I had a wound on my head that lasted for a few weeks. Just the other day, I collided with an open cabinet door when I stooped to pick up stuff from the floor. Not as much damage to my body part but the area is sore to the touch. AND I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I’M MISSING!

I’ll admit that the floor opened up and I fell down into a deep, dark hole that I can’t get out of. Other than the cold and the snow and the gray skies, there is no reason for this depression. Thankfully we aren’t dealing with a crisis — health or money. And I’m grateful — but I’m also stuck. My intention to stick to my food plan, lose weight and exercise has fallen by the wayside. I haven’t exactly given up, but my weight gain is telling a different story.

I could blame the weather, cold, snow. I could blame the realization that I have to give up some of my dreams. We don’t have the money to travel that I hoped we would have. I wasn’t expecting to travel the world, or stay in expensive places, but even our travels in the motor home seems to be above our budget. Age, health and the economic downturn hasn’t helped. Neither is the rise in expenses and our limited income.

If I sit down and count our blessings — they are many. We are much better off than many senior citizens — we have our health, food on the table, a house to live in and a country place to run away to if the weather ever allows.

Sadly that isn’t helping to get me out of this deep, black hole. My “friends in high places” are doing their best to help. Especially if I’m out and about by myself — sadly my husband seems to be an anchor that restricts “help”. Sometimes there is too much togetherness.

Today, I was counseled to look to ancient wisdom. Robin has a stomach upset — I remembered a brew I made for Mabel, our chocolate Lab that solved the problem. While at the store, a new issue of Woman’s World caught my interest. “Calm in 20 seconds — Amazing Hawaiian stress-relief secret” promised. I’ll try!

I have ENJOYED my trips to the islands. The magazine came home with me. I wish I could imagine a lovely spot on the beach and escape — but sadly that image is blocked. I haven’t been able to use guided meditation with good results. But I’m working on it. I’m going through my library of books — realizing that there isn’t enough hours in my day to reread all of them and I found a workbook on intuition. That stayed in the keep stack and I’m planning on working through it. When I was young, my intuition might have spoke to me. I think I was embarrassed and decided not to listen. I think it is time now to reconnect to the source.

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