Random Acts of "Kindness"

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PURPOSE

I hate to admit it but my zest for life is hiding. I can easily sit in a chair or lay on the couch and watch the world go by. Many people are using this “stay at home time” to clean their house. Get rid of clutter. Catch up on projects. I AM NOT ONE OF THEM! I used to enjoy cooking — always looking for new recipes to make. That is another task that is on the side. I know it would be in my best interest to paint. I have the supplies but not the desire. A friend has counseled me to have patience with myself. This month will make 6 months since my husband passed. AND I VERY COMFORTABLY SIT HERE AND WATCHED THE WORLD GO BY!

I know that I want to spend time at the camper. I’m not afraid to stay out there by myself. Cleaning up the back yard, walking on the uneven terrain was challenging. It reminded me of the uneven terrain at the camper. Will I be able to walk out there? The last time I cleaned up the back yard, I took a cane. IT HELPED.

Staying home, not shopping uses up the stock of food in the house. The day finally came when I had to go to Wal-Mart. I have been putting off that shopping trip because of the virus. I made my list — it was lengthy. I wanted to go early, before the store got too crowded. I looked at the temperature on my phone and it registered 27. I forgot to check a detail and looked at the temperature again –102. WHAT? HOW? WHERE? I must admit it stopped my thinking IMMEDIATELY. DEFINITELY CAUGHT MY ATTENTION. Researched revealed it was the temperature in Rajasthan, India? That reading bubbled in my mind for a while. Then I remembered that I had thought of checking my temperature before I went to the store. It was normal. Was I being reminded to do that before I left?

I wore a mask and had plastic gloves on my hands. Thankfully there was NO LINE waiting to get into the store. There were long lines in the cashiers waiting to get out. I headed for pharmacy, shoes and dog food and the rest of the groceries. My cart was LOADED. My KNEES were YELLING. I WANTED TO SIT DOWN and luckily I found a chair. I took the opportunity to check the list on my phone and discovered one forgotten item. THANKFULLY there was no line waiting to check out. I told the cashier she was going to get a break because it would take me awhile. IT DID.

LESSON LEARNED: I have to regain my stamina if I wanted to SAFELY STAY BY MYSELF at the camper. Sitting and watching the world go by was NOT IN MY BEST INTEREST.

I have a collection of exercise DVD’S and picked a Classical Stretch to begin working on my body. The exercises were EASY but the next day my knees as well as my back hurt. DETERMINED — I was going to exercise anyway. The DVD player WOULD NOT WORK. My son managed to get it working but I decided to take the day off. On the other side — My MAN IS STILL LOOKING OUT FOR ME.

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CELEBRATING ANOTHER YEAR

I wish I remembered the year I started writing these thought rambles. I think it was in May that I was enticed to write. My youngest daughter told me about Word Press and that it was free. The name I picked for the blog was open. The name was accepted and ready or not I began. Now if you have read many of my thought rambles, you can understand that I really don’t think it was my decision. I was led to share the happenings of my life with others. My life becomes more interesting than I want it to when I haven’t written.

I realize that I’m extremely fortunate to have “help” from the other side. We all have a purpose in our life and evidently mine is to share that there is existence after death. I can’t comment on it further because I have no personal knowledge of the other side. I’m very happy to know of its existence and have the “help” of my team.

I don’t know the makeup of my team. Just guessing I would say that it is made up of my mother and brother who have probably been involved in my life since their passing. Joined 25 years ago by my father and recently by my husband. My mother and brother kept their involvement quiet. I didn’t really know that I was receiving “help” from the other side until my father got Alzheimer’s disease. Looking back at that time I was able to detect “help.” Thankfully my father let me know when he passed that he was fine. My father has helped me with many aspects of my life including writing. My husband has improved on this. He “helps” me with my phone and the television. Since my father didn’t mess with those things I know when my husband is around. And I am EXTREMEMLY happy with his involvement EXCEPT when I’m prevented from doing something I want to do.

I was also given the gift of seeing a deceased dog run through our house the night she was put down. I don’t know if she is on my team but I know that there are a few paws that are. After one of our dogs passed, many dogs that I didn’t know that I was their best friend. I have to credit Cuyler for that.

I’m also sure that friends and relatives of mine “help” out from time to time. I might actually be asking for their “help” when I have a project that isn’t going well.

My sharing my experiences before was possibly helpful. I’m hoping that because of the deaths caused by Covid 19, my thought rambles might help more who were unable to be by their loved ones side when they passed.

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STAY HOME

I DON’T WANT TO STAY HOME! Since October 31 I have been in training. Halloween brought inches of snow to our city. It melted and became ice. The ice covered the sidewalks and the alley making it hazardous for me to go out side. When it finally melted after about a week I totally enjoyed my freedom and went SHOPPING.

Another snowfall with more of the same results occurred in January, followed by more in February. Each snowfall brought more ice — more staying inside. It seemed that each storm brought more hazardous conditions for me, restricting my freedom.

Was I preparing for this pandemic? I wish I could say that I’m using my time well — cleaning the house — getting rid of the clutter. I’m not in the habit of telling tall tales. I HAVE NOT ACCOMPLISHED ANYTHING. Part of the reason I’m sure is grief for my husband’s passing. I seem to have no purpose in life. I KNOW I NEED TO LOSE WEIGHT. I don’t have the desire to follow a restrictive eating program. Most of the time I’m eating healthy.

Because my weight is up — my knees are yelling. By suppertime, I have NO ENERGY to do anything. We have been restricted for almost a month. During that time I have possibly gone shopping once a week. My children are EXTREMELY unhappy when I wander outside. For many reasons — I live in Chicago, a hot spot for the virus. I’m in my seventies — more susceptible to catching the virus. Thankfully I don’t have Diabetes or Emphysema. My blood pressure is high enough to warrant medicine but not enough to be dangerous.

When I do venture out, I try to have a list that will cover all the stuff I need. I haven’t gone to Wal-Mart in over a month. I keep my shopping in stores that are close by. I try to go early, before the store gets busy. Thankfully the stores have been restocked. Most of the stuff I require is available. My daughter often asks me if what I needed was essential. Did I really need to go out into the scary world where the virus is waiting.

As the weather warms, I’m thinking of going out to the camper. They don’t have the virus out there and they REALLY DON’T WANT IT. Our governor is impressing us that we should keep driving to ESSENTISAL TRIPS. Going to the camper would not be essential except for my well being. All the buildings and stores are closed out there. Our camper is self sustaining with full bathroom facilities but I don’t want to run water until the chance of freezing is over.

Recently I read of a gentleman who passed at the age of one hundred. He was able to live by himself in his own home and DRIVE. Whatever age I reach, I want to have a quality of life and be able to be independent. My husband would have had a hard time dealing with this virus. He wouldn’t have minded having to stay in the house.

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CORONA 19 BREAK

Our daughter had reservations to go to Mexico for Spring Break. The big question: Should they Go? They decided that the area where they were going was free from the virus. They had their plane reservations. I understood their concern, their questions. I do what I always do — I bombarded heaven with prayers for a safe trip and return.

I was extremely happy that I had stocked up on fresh food when I went to the store last week. I’m no longer young — I’m at an age when the virus is more dangerous. When I replaced my driver’s license, I stopped at the Senior Center to tell them I would be skipping art for the next two weeks because of the dogs. While I was there, I learned that the Center would be closed because of the virus. That night a friend phoned to tell me their assisted living dwelling was on lock down.

Crowds gathered to celebrate St. Patrick’s day at the bars. Our mayor announced all bars and restaurants would be closed. Food could be order for take out and delivered. Both zoos in our area closed. Our state held its primary election on Tuesday but thankfully I voted early. The Botanic Garden announced they would be closed until April 30. Woodhaven was open — but there was no way I was going out with three dogs and an open yard. Department stores were the next to announce closing. I listened to the news — concerned that my family would be able to leave Mexico and return home.

Wednesday I phoned to see if our neighborhood Chinese restaurant was open. I was VERY HAPPY to learn I could place an order. Since we live close by, my son went to pick it up.

Woodhaven announced that it was closing all comfort stations. Gas could be pumped using a credit card for payment. Access to the store was restricted. Main gate was open and security would continue to patrol the grounds.

The best thing that happened that week was the birth of my great grand son on Friday. The second best thing was I learned that my daughter’s family was in LA. They would be flying home on Saturday. They planned to stay overnight to celebrate my grandson’s birthday. They didn’t know that they would be sequestered in their rooms.

All churches are closed. Our Cardinal celebrated mass at the cathedral. “We are like the blind man. Can’t see what is coming. Have to trust in God.”

Luna and Tessa were MISSED. My daughter planned to drive to Chicago with her kids to get them. She didn’t want me to take a chance on the drive. They stayed by the garage and I stayed on the porch. Their dogs had been enjoying our bed. I didn’t have the heart to make them get off. As a parting gift, on Monday, I WOKE to be pinned by a black Lab washing my face. Laying straddled over my body.

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BREAD CRUMBS

I don’t know if my life would be easier if I received messages from “my team” in written word or in voice. Since neither occurs in my life I felt like Hanzel and Grettle — searching for directions and reflecting back, look for the meaning.

Confused? Let me explain. When I went to replace my driver’s license on Tuesday, I decided to get gas in my car so I’d be ready to meet our daughter, pick up her dogs, so their family could go on Spring Break. I decided to go to the Costco up North. The lines for gas were shorter. While I was there, I stopped in the neighboring Aldis and picked up potatoes, onions, milk and some fresh vegetables. I noticed that they had a cane on special and a cart that was able to climb stairs. I looked at both items but left them on the shelf. Since we would have extra dogs in the house, I wanted to make sure our pantry was well stocked.

Leaving Aldis I decided to stop in Costco. I didn’t have trunk space for water but I decided to get a 5 LB bag of small potatoes. We discovered that they worked nicely for breakfast hash in the morning.

Arriving home I mentioned the cane and the cart to my son. He thought both would be a good purchase. The cart would be useable when I was in the country, I would have help getting the purchases from car into camper.

Wednesday — I remembered that I needed to get an emission test for the Escape and renew the license. There was a facility near Wal-Mart so I took advantage of a dry day — got the test for the car and license, picked up more supplies at Wal-Mart and returned to Aldis to get the cane, cart AND a deck bird feeder.
I decided to get a feeder for the deck rather than a stand alone because I thought it would be easier to fill.

Thursday — I met our daughter to pick up her dogs along with their dog food and leashes. Our yard is fenced in — I DID NOT PLAN to take them for a walk. Luna is a black Lab — young, full of energy, full of love. Her favorite toy is a ball which she has to take to bed with her. She is most insistent that you play with the ball with her — OVER AND OVER –ALL DAY. Tessa is a small King Charles spaniel. They are bred to be lap warmers and she takes her job very seriously.

Friday — Chicago’s mayor announced schools would be closed starting Tuesday because of the virus until April 7. Illinois Governor issued a message that people should stay in their homes. I went to Costco to pick up a couple of items that were on sale. The parking lot was impossible — too many cars. I waited and got a parking place. Costco was overrun with people. More than 50 people were in one lane waiting to check out. I decided I didn’t need anything that bad. I stopped in Trader Joe’s. Once again the parking lot was full but I waited and got a space. I HAVE NEVER SEEN THE SHELVES SO EMPTY — no milk, eggs, bread, crackers. Some fresh vegetables but not a lot. Most of the meat was gone.

I was VERY THANKFUL I HAD PICKED UP SUPPLIES ON TUESDAY AND WEDNESDAY.

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REBELLING AGAIN

REBELLING AGAIN

I don’t like not being able to go shopping. I DON’T like not being able to drive the car. I DON’T LIKE not being able to go outside. The first two months of this year has restricted my freedom. We have had snow storms that weren’t bad. BUT the snow melted, iced formed. I have had to stay in the house, the stairs were too slippery to go off the porch. I have been unable to drive — the alley was too icy to take the car out of the garage.

I look forward every year to the MIND, BODY, SPIRIT EXPO. I received the information announcing the March Expo. I found a couple of workshops I wanted to attend. Dressed, I assembled the stuff I wanted to take with me. I prepared to transfer my driver’s license into the wallet I was going to take. I COULDN’T FIND IT. I looked everywhere — every purse I might have used, every coat I might have warn. I looked in my car in case it fell out when I was taking out a credit card. My son helped me look with no success. I finally decided NOT to go to the Expo. I don’t know how I lost my drivers license. I don’t know how long I had driven without one. I just decided I wasn’t going to take a chance. My son offered to drive me but I knew he wouldn’t want to stay and turned down his offer.

Normally I return to the Expo for the second day on Sunday. I made an executive decision to stay home. I’m sure I would have found a few talks that would have interested me. Sunday was a bright, WARM, sunny day. I decided to spend time outside instead.

A friend told me it was easy to get a new license BUT NOT TO GO ON A MONDAY. She suggested that I take the documentation needed to get an ID. I had an official copy of my birth certificate. I had proof of my address. I needed proof of my social security card. I took a copy of the form I received for income tax from my husband’s company. It was a good thing I did. I NEEDED A SECOND PROOF OF ADDRESS. I also needed something with my signature on it.

I left home early in the morning on a Tuesday. I entered a door that I thought would lead me to the drivers area. I was wrong. I needed to exit and walk down a distance and climb more stairs. STAIRS ARE NOT MY FRIENDS. I asked if I could wander down the area and get were I needed to go. I had been in the building many times over the years. Maybe it was my age but I was told to go ahead. As I made my way to the driver’s license room a guide appeared to help me. When I told her the purpose of my errand she escorted me to the proper place. I DID NOT NEED TO WAIT IN LINE. The process was quick. I was out of the building before an hour had passed. I have a much better picture on this license than my last one. YEAH!

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LIMBO

I have to admit that I KNOW that I am extremely BLESSED. I was reminded of that fact last weekend when the wife of a brother-in-law posted a note on Face Book on the anniversary of his passing. Since he passed on Leap Year, this was the first anniversary. Not only did she still miss him, but she wished he would stop by to say “hi.”

Thankfully since my father’s passing twenty five years ago, I’m aware of the “help” I receive from the other side on a regular basis. Since he hadn’t remembered me before he passed, he quickly sent me a sign that he was fine. I don’t access Face Book regularly. I have to admit that I haven’t been on Twitter or any of the others to date. Of course every day is a new day and who knows what tomorrow will bring.

This morning Face Book had a note on Alzheimer’s. I was reminded of my father’s journey and very grateful that in his slipping away he didn’t get stuck in the time of the fire. Thinking of him this morning and the sadness and loss he must have felt at the death of his wife and son, I’m so glad that he didn’t revisit those years. I’ve written about our journey in TO PAP, WITH LOVE. I’m SO GLAD that my husband was able to let me know that he was fine and continues to “help” me.

I have to admit that I’m having a hard time adjusting to my new life as a widow. I seem to have lost my purpose. Since I don’t give in easily I’m trying. Reality is that I can sit and watch the world go by and not feel bad about it. I NEVER spent much time during the day watching television. I can’t say the same now. I know that I have many things that I SHOULD DO — I just can’t motivate myself to do them.

I realized that the problems my body parts are giving me might be the cause of my lack of purpose. Because of our weather, my knees have become more of a problem as well as my right ankle. Dealing with the pain wears me out. It is easier to sit and not move.

I know that I need to lose weight, I just can’t inspire myself to do it. In my defense, I have committed to morning and evening exercise. Both are easy and don’t take long but I do them daily. I have committed to walking more than 3,000 steps a day. Most days I reach that number. Sometimes it is easy. I have committed to eating raw turmeric. It has been two weeks and I’m not sure if I notice a difference. I have committed to using Collagen daily. It has been a week and I’m not noticing an improvement but I’m not giving up yet.

Spring is coming. Maybe my energy will return.

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INTERVENTION

February is a hard month for me. First — it is colder and cloudy. The excitement of the holidays is over. Usually the decorations for the season have been put away. This year is an exception for me. It still is extremely cloudy — the sun has taken a sabbatical. Our memory Christmas tree changed into an Angel–Valentine tree. It might morph into a Mardi Gras — Easter tree but I doubt it.

Add to that the sadness of my husbands passing. I spoke to a woman who has been a widow for 6 years. She shared that it still isn’t easier. On top of that it was my husbands 81’st birthday. Followed by the anniversary of my father’s passing and soon my father’s birthday. That explains why the Angel tree is still sharing its light in a darker room. I did Tai Chi next to it this morning.

I have noticed more presence or “help” from “my team” on holidays, anniversaries and birthdays. This week has been no exception. My note from my husband’s birthday said I had a contrary phone. My sharing of his photo was blocked. On the anniversary of my father’s passing I stopped at the grocery store for a needed item. A woman noticed my problems walking and told me she used to have the same problem. She has been taking raw turmeric twice a day, ground in her food processor and her knee problems have ended. The product was usually available at the store. On order, it was coming in the next day. Looking for something for lunch I also found lamb chops and petite steak at half price.

Our youngest daughter told me that a friend of hers was taking turmeric liquid twice a day available at Costco. Stopping at the store I found it on sale and put a box in my cart. One of the sample ladies I talk to on a regular basis mentioned that she tried the liquid turmeric but it gave her diarrhea. She also had experienced the same problems that I was having. She switched to a product designed to increase her collagen. She also is no longer having the knee problems. I put the liquid turmeric back and found the collagen powder.

I planned to go to the grocery store and buy fresh turmeric. When I arrived, the product had not come in. A woman heard me asking for it and told me of a store that carried it. It is now in my possession but I haven’t been taking it long enough to notice a difference. I’m going to give the turmeric a week or more to see if it helps before trying the collagen.

Today we have sunshine. The vitamin D pill that I normally take rolled off the floor and is lost somewhere. I guess I’ll have to go outside to get some fresh Vitamin D. I was interested in a cookbook that was advertised on the computer. Suddenly it was blocked, covered up by more advertisements and disappeared when I tried to get it back.

ENOUGH. My children say I need to walk more — I’m going outside to get some sunshine.

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MISTY EYES

I don’t cry easily. I wish I was able too. I would have LOVED to dissolve in tears when my husband passed. I’m sure there have been other times in my life when I had the same desire. Probably with the same results. I know people that cry at the sadness of a good book or a movie. Some cry for happiness — at a wedding. My eyes tear up, become a bit moist, might even relinquish a tear, but not a deluge or even a sprinkle.

So why the title of this thought ramble? We have just celebrated my husband’s 81st birthday without his physical presence. Facebook gave me a picture from 2017 in which we celebrated his birthday with our grandchildren in “horse country.” I recognized the photo right away. I have part of the image on my laptop. Both of the kids are there with their ice cream. The only thing I can see of my husband is his arm. I didn’t remember when the photo was taken, or what he was doing. The photo showed me we were celebrating his birthday, and included his humor — he was saluting the camera. I think he was the one to post the photo on my laptop, which why his body and face were not included.

I shared the photo with my family and friends. My middle daughter had an image of wings. My grand daughter was flying back to Florida. She posted an image from the plane in flight, mentioning this was the closest she could get to him right now. Our youngest picture posted a lovely picture of herself getting a hug from her father. MY EYES MISTED, to be honest — they are misting as I write this.

I’ve acknowledged that I am EXTREMELY LUCKY. Not only to have had him for a husband but to have our four children and grandchildren that I am proud of, who also miss him very much — who feel free to share their feelings. Since my father passed 25 years ago and confirmed that there is life after death, I know my husband is free from pain and able to enjoy being of “help” to me and others.

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STILL LEARNING

I’m sure that I have mentioned that my father passed over to the other side 25 years ago. Because he had Alzheimer’s disease when he passed, he wanted me to know that he was okay and sent me a sign. He has been very active in my life since then. He also let another cat out of the bag. My mother passed when I was four. I’m sure she has been active in my life for many years but I was unaware. Looking back at some of the things that occurred when my father’s health declined, I can see the “help” of others. Some of that help was included in TO PAP WITH LOVE. I wrote about some of my early learning in JOURNEY WITH ME.

I need admit that I am STILL LEARNING. There is a new angel on the other side. He has learned from his elders and brought new knowledge to the adventure. It is only because I have spent so many years learning that I was receiving “help” that I’m aware of his actions. I recognizer “help” I when I’m shopping — I find something that is needed for a gift or a bargain — or something special on sale. I find someone tall to help me reach something or someone strong to move something into my car. People appear asking if they can help. I’m extremely grateful for all of the above. Sometimes I have a feeling who I can credit, sometimes it is a mystery.

Just being honest, I MISS MY HUSBAND. He was part of my life for more than 55 years. If I’m honest — I’m grateful he is on the other side because he was full of life, often up to no good. His last two months of inactivity was extremely hard for all of us. Continuing on in that state would have been extremely difficult for all of us.

And he is still in character — up to no good on the other side. For which I’m GRATEFUL EXCEPT when he puts blocks up on what I’m trying to do. You CAN NOT ARGUE WITH THEM, THEY WIN! The first time I was aware of his interaction, he blocked the TV from changing channels to the program I wanted to watch. When I finally gave in, went to accomplish a task that was on my to do list, when I returned home, the TV worked like it was supposed to. “My friends in high places” HAD NOT done this to me before. I knew it was him.

Today I was trying to share a photo of him riding a bike with our dog attached to the lead as they were going down the road. NOPE! NOT HAPPENING. Instead — my camera locked on a photo of my husband with Robin on his lap that floated down from somewhere to land on my purse. I COULD NOT get my camera to work like it was supposed to. Our oldest daughter suggested that it was Dad showing a new comer some of the “tricks of the trade.” Watch out world!

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