Wandering With Spirit

Loss of a family member is especially hard during the holidays. I made it through Thanksgiving, then Christmas and New Years. We left an empty chair at my husband’s place at the table on Thanksgiving. I cooked the traditional dinner, maybe more celery, onions and mushrooms in the dressing. We put up a Thanksgiving memory tree. Wreathes and lights went up on the porch. But no garlands. Lights and garlands were not on the stairs in the house either. I sent out a Christmas letter with the cards, sharing the news of my husbands passing to those I hadn’t phoned. The Wild Thing gorilla I bought for my husband celebrating his first cancer surgery now is wearing blue lights. The Nativity didn’t surface this year.

I made some cookies but not many. My husbands favorite I totally reinvented. Tasty but I hopefully won’t do that again. Of course, I don’t know if I will make those cookies again. For the most part, I haven’t made any of his favorite meals, except for biscuits and gravy for Christmas morning. Christmas Eve we normally have the family over. The holidays became very busy so our youngest daughter’s family wasn’t able to make it but our oldest daughter and her husband were able to come. I didn’t cook. We went out for Chinese instead.

I don’t know if survival mode was in session, that I was purposefully omitting things that would bring me pain. I’ve donated some of his stuff but his closet and dresser are still packed with his clothes. At the store, I avoid the men’s department. Of course, I’m not spending a lot of time in the woman’s department either.

Various things happen that alert me to the fact his spirit is with me. I will truthfully say that I wish I felt his spirit more often. EXCEPT WHEN THE BLOCKS ARE ON! My phone DID NOT pick up any messages on Christmas.

On New Years day I picked up one of our catalogues to look for a couple of items. Turning the pages, I saw MANY THINGS that I would have ordered for my husband. I wasn’t expecting the pain that generated in my body when I remembered he was gone.

I order a new Inspirational Calendar every year. I write my bible readings, Queen Of Heaven readings and daily happenings in it. I ordered it late this year and when it arrived I put it somewhere where it would be SAFE. It was so safe that I couldn’t find it. Finally on New Years Eve it surfaced. It was NOT IN A PLACE I would have looked. The second week of January has the message “Every night, sit still and ask yourself, “What have I done today.”

It has been two months since he passed, I’m not waking up from a bad dream. More difficult days are coming: The anniversary of my mother’s and brother’s death, my husband’s birthday, and my father’s passing. I’m NOT looking forward to my first trip to Woodhaven.

Anniversary’s are TOUGH! “WHAT HAVE I DONE TODAY?”